Clown Wars
by DW-Chaos WolfEdge
Summary: Swift finally confronts his fear of clown's, except with machine guns. The first of the P. Vacation series! Warning: Clown carnage in chapter 2. Big secret in Chapter 3! Kinda.
1. Driven Off Deep End

Here's the first of the P. Vacation series! Swift finally comfronts his fear of clowns after a series of crazy events. Warning: This may get a little crazy. While writting it, I drank six cans of Root Beer!

Chapter 1

It was a close to normal day at Viridian Forest. The Caterpie were plotting world domination, the Pidgey were having they're normal wild parties at the crack of dawn, Tracey was getting his daily torture by Beedrill, and Spearow was getting Swift pissed off with his early morning crowing. Yep, just another normal day in Viridian Forest.

After Swift gave Spearow his daily zapping, he headed towards home expecting to be greeted by the Eevee to which he thought was beautiful. He opened the door only to find something one-hundred times worse.

"Hey Swift dude!" Greeted Psy happily as Swift noticed him and Rebel decided to pay a visit. Rebel was strangely standing in front of the Swift and Nia's brand new wide screen TV. Rebel and Psy had placed a blanket over it, and Rebel had one heck of a nervous look on his face.

"Uh, hey dude! How about we go...um, fishing!" Psy suggested quickly as he ushered Swift to the door.

"Where's Nia? And why are you two here so early?" A very confused Swift asked.

"Um..." Psy stammered.

"She went shopping!" Rebel shouted quickly.

"Yeah, she went shopping dude!" Psy agreed just as quick. "Now let's get you as far away from your new TV as possible." He blurted quickly and continued pushing Swift towards the door but stopped once he saw a few sparks fly.

Psy gulped and started to sweat.

"Guys...what happened to my new TV...?" He asked in a menacing tone and turned around to cast them both a death glare.

"N-Nothing! What makes you say that?" Rebel relpied nervously as he inched away from the TV towards the closest window.

Swift dashed by Psy ignoring his repeated pleas to let them live. He pulled of the blanket to reveal that the brand new wide screen TV had an enormous crack all through it and what appeared to be a hockey puck in the center. A look of horror ran across Swift's face as stared wide eyed at his destroyed TV set.

"Cheese it!" Rebel shouted then jumped through the window he had made his way to. Psy made a few worried cries and ran out the door.

Swift exploded. Not literally but mentally.

A few moments later, Rebel and Psy were making a mad dash out of the forest. They would have enjoyed the adrenaline rush of the chase, but fear easily overpowered that. Swift knew Thunder, and the small yellow mouse wasn't to far behind. A mad, murderous look in his eyes as he chased them on all fours through the forest.

Rebel and Psy continued running for they're lives as they passed a group of peculiar looking caterpie. The caterpie made an attempt to stop them but were easily pushed to the side or squashed.

"World Domination!" One of the caterpie shouted to them as Rebel and Psy faded from view. Seconds later, Swift smashed straight through all of them as if they were bowling pins, and they were all tossed into the air as Swift continued the chase.

It didn't take long before Swift started to close in on them in no time flat, since he is a pikachu and all. Rebel looked behind him and gazed in horror as the homicidal mouse closing in on them in on them.

"Sorry Psy, your on your own!" Rebel said and dropped to all fours to run at his fastest, leaving Psy in his dust.

"Wait! Rebel, help! He'll kill me!" Psy shouted in a futile attempt to get Rebel to slow down, before he was tackled to the ground by a yellow ball of raging fur. Swift gave an evil grin before sparks started to fly.

Rebel kept running as fast as he could. He ran a good distance before he heard a loud explosion come from behind. He knew instantly Swift had let loose the wrath of his Thunder attack upon Psy. The cat pokemon started to regret leaving Psy alone but decided it was better for his health to keep running.

A few seconds later, Swift had returned home with a miserable expression on his face. There was a Caterpie on his tail shouting "World Domination," but Swift was to tired and depressed to get it off. He opened the door and basically threw himself on the sofa, crushing the Caterpie on his tail. He sat there for a good while, mourning the loss of his brand new TV until Nia came out of the bedroom.

"Good morning Swift." She said with a yawn and started to stretch a little.

Swift replied with a groan instead of a good morning.

"Uh, Swift? Are you okay?" She asked.

He simply pointed to the TV as an answer. Nia turned around and gasped in shock. She was at a loss for words before something finally slipped out. "What the heck just happened?"

He let out another groan.

"Your going to have to talk sooner or later..."

He decided to mumble something this time.

After they're _conversation_, the doorbell rang.

"Don't worry, I'll get it." Swift said then finally got up from sofa and headed towards the door.

"Mailman!" A guy in blue shouted and handed Swift a package.

"Oh, thanks." He said and accepted the package from the mailman. He strained to keep hold off the package since it was just as big as he was.

The mailman held out his hand and cleared his throat.

"Are you nuts? I don't tip mailmen!" He shouted then slammed the door. Afterwards, he carried the package in to show Nia.

"And that is...?" She asked while pointing to the box.

"No clue. The mailman wanted a tip for bringing it here."

Nia made a puzzled look. "Oookay...anyway, what is it?"

"Don't know.." He said while opening the package. "It may be from - AHH!" Just as he was about to finish his sentence, he screamed after a clown head attached to a spring with a slightly crazed and evil look, pale face, red hair and an even brighter red nose, popped out of the package. Which scared Swift to no end. He fell backwards and fainted.

Nia knew Swift wouldn't wake up anytime soon, so she went over and checked a tag that was on the package, something Swift missed completely. "Thank you for ordering the Evil Jack-in-the-box surprise kit. Have a nice day.." it read. Nia sighed after reading the last part of it. "From: Clowns inc. To: Rebel Meowzaki..." She threw the tag aside and attempted wake up the unconscious yellow mouse on the floor.

"Swift?"

No response.

"It's just a clown!"

No response.

Nia started smacking him in the face.

Still no response.

Nia started to get very irritated before remembering the one thing that could wake him up, no matter what. "Ketchup."

"Ketchup! Where?" He shouted suddenly after finally waking up.

"I knew that would work!" Nia said triumphantly.

Swift looked confused before remembering that last thing he saw was that clown thing before he fainted. "Why is that thing -"

"Rebel sent it." She finished before he could.

Swift's fur changed from it's normal dark shade of yellow, to very bright red. Nia put on earmuffs to block out the barrage of bad words Swift shouted.

He was breathing heavily after he finished, he managed to curse for five minutes straight. Nia removed the earmuff's after she was sure he was done.

"Swift, you've really got to stop doing that." Nia said.

Nia noticed a mad expression of insanity in Swift's eye's. This had only happened once before; there's a reason that volcano wiped out Cinnabar in Gold and Silver. "Uh-oh..."

"I'm going out for a while." Swift said as he headed towards the door, his anger suddenly vanished.

"No killing our friends Swift!" She called.

Two hours later, Swift was at Saffron City. He paid the taxi driver and got out at a big building that had two guards posted in front.

"Saffron City's Building of Weaponry.." Swift read the sign. There was a picture of Swift with a red x on it neear the building. He had been banned from there ever since he "borrowed" ten pounds of dynamite and "accidently" totaled Cinnabar.

"I knew you'd come back." A old, bald man said as he stared angrily at Swift.

"Aw crap...hey Blaine..." He said nervously with an even more nervous smile.

"Don't 'hey Blaine' me! Thanks to you, I'm homeless! I live in a friggin' island now!" He accused and pulled out a handgun.

Swift gulped, then thought of something quick. "Um, that's a cave you live in. Anyway, Friggin'? Have you been watching Austin Powers lately?"

The ammunition to Blaine's handgun clicked.

"Uh...Hey look! A book of riddles is right behind you!" Swift shouted.

"Riddles?" Blaine turned around.

Swift ran into the building as fast as he could, leaving Blaine searching for the riddle book. The guards for some reason let him into the building without any problems. When Swift got into the building, he saw the most guns he had ever seen in one room before in his entire life.

"Wow...this is the most guns I've ever seen in one room before in my entire life..."

"I just said that."

"What the? Who are you?"

"I'm the narrator, Chaos knux."

"What the? What's a narrator doing here?"

"Basically, this chapter's coming to an end and I need to fill in some space."

"Oookay...hey, are you my conscious? And are you saying that I shouldn't kill Rebel and Psy but instead take my anger out on the clowns?"

"Uh..."

"Okay, I'll do it! Thanks Chaos Knux!"

"Uh...no problem. Listen I gotta go so, be safe by not drinking and driving okay? Later."

"Hey how can I tell you left?" Swift asked but there was no response. "Hmm...well if my conscious says so..."

Seconds later, Swift loaded up on a three machine guns, a bazooka, eight hand grenades, a rifle, three hand guns, and a years supply of bullets. He topped it all off by putting that black stuff on his cheeks. But instead of putting the stuff across his cheeks, he just filled in the red circles on his cheeks.

An hour later, It was dark out at somewhere around eight O clock. Swift was on top of the giant Sliph co. Office building, fully loaded with a machine gun with magazine clips, and the other stuff he had taken behind him. He loaded up the machine gun and walked to the edge of the building, black stuff still covering the red on his cheeks.

"Clowns, Thy name is Swift." He said then cocked the machine gun.

Some of that at the end was a rewrite from the beginning intro to the game: Shadow the Hedgehog. The next chapter will finish this story, but there will be a lot more than where this came from! Please review!


	2. Electric Terrorist Mouse Alert

Sorry about the long, long, _long _wait for an update on this, but on the bright side, I'd bet there is something for everyone in this that one can find to laugh at. This one has reason for it's T rating. Clown carnage, and... well, you'll see for yourselves. Enjoy the chaotic mayhem!

* * *

Clown Wars: Part 2: Terrorist Mouse Alert

After finding no trace of even a single clown in the middle of the night at Saffron City, a contented Swift slept near a mailbox beside the huge standing Sliph Co. Building. Once morning hit, not a person dared to disturb the orange furred Pikachu since all the ammunition and weaponry was nestled dangerously close to him. He slept hugging his stuffed animal replacement machine gun.

A little after noon hit, a little blonde girl noticed Swift and a joyous expression ran across the five year olds face. "Mommy! Daddy! Can I hug the mousy??" She asked her parents excitedly.

Her father simply smiled "Oh, why not? It's just a..." he caught sight of the weaponry. "SWEET MOTHER OF BACON! IT HAS GUNS!!!" The father screamed in a loud, panicking voice. Alongside his wife, he immediately grabbed his daughter's arm before running of at Mach Six.

After the screaming, Swift finally opened an eye, and yawned tiredly while stretching. Thus the amber assailant awoke.

"Huh..? It's morning already?" he asked himself and got up. Then noticed his surroundings. "What am I doing here..." he thought before it all came back to him.

"Oh yeah...! Time to dish out the punishment!" He said and grabbed his machine gun, cocked it, and ran off towards Sliph Co's building. Scaring countless citizens to death as he dashed by. Somehow the amber Pikachu was completely oblivious to the fear he caused.

---

Military Hours

12:02:01

"Come on! I really need a motorcycle!" Swift demanded and slammed both paws on the desk in front of him.

Behind the desk was the President of Sliph Co. who was looking absolutely terrified right about now. Mainly this was because Swift was still loaded with weapons, black markings on his face, and also, he just so happened to inconspicuously pick up a flamethrower from somewhere.

"W-We just make Pokemon products! We don't have any motorcycles!" The Sliph Co. President shouted out of fear.

"Oh, reeeeeaaaalllllllyyyy?" Swift asked in a psychotic, twisted way. Scaring the President even further. "If you don't give me a motorcycle, I'll make you suffer a fate worse than death..." He threatened.

"Oh, please; God, no! Not Tracey! Not again!" The President pleaded hysterically.

"Not a bad idea, but not him." Swift assured.

The President let out a deep sigh of relief.

"Instead, I'll force you into one hundred hours... of listening..." the terrorist mouse paused dramatically, and made a gesture to the door."To _him!_"

"Aloha dudes!" Said Psy as the he burst through the door. "Yellow-dude said if I didn't do this, he'd gut me; so like, here I am! Ready to chit-chat and shoot the breeze all-day-long!" He said and walked over towards the President before taking a seat on a chair.

"Oh...well, how bad can this be?" the President said as calmed down while taking his seat in his comfy Sliph Co. President's chair. "Fire away."

Swift ran towards the exit and bolted the door shut while Psy started an endless onslaught of nonsensical gibberish.

"So anyway, today has been like, totally crazy! I was like, stuck at yellow dudes house with like, my best buddy in the whole-wide-world, so we like, decided to play Ice Hockey and then you wouldn't believe what happened next! I scored ten points like, by hitting yellow-dude's TV! Reb said the sparks were good a good thing, but then yellow-dude like, got all totally crazy, and chased me down! THEN he went berserk and almost zapped me to death! I think Reb ditched me but I'm not sure... He's always been afraid of yellow dudes Thunder attack, 'cause It's like, a scary thing dude. Hey, do you like tacos? Dude, I love tacos! I also love Pizza, do you have any pizza? Hey dude, can I like, sit in that chair? It looks comfy and this chair's not, so I could really use a place to rest my... "

The president had begun writing his Will after Psy's first two sentences, and once he finished, he pulled out a revolver. "Could I interest you in a game of Russian Roulette?"

"Sorry, dude. I never gamble. So, anyway, I like–"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Psy blinked. "...Anyway–" It never ended.

---

12:13: 46

Meanwhile, Swift had dashed out of the building, into the parking lot, shoved a biker of his ride, and drove off throughout Saffron. Ignoring the guy shouting behind him about his bike, and the countless people he seemed to unawarely run over.

"Now where can I find clowns...?" Swift thought to himself, passing by several signs reading: Celadon City's Yearly Clown Convention Today!

On his way to nowhere, Swift ran over countless, screaming, bleeding, and horribly maimed clowns in bright over sized red shoes, colorful hair, and cherry noses. Thought the mouse was oblivious to their plights as he simply pondered on where to find the very one's he made road kill out of.

"Hmm... where does one find clowns...?" Swift tapped his chin thoughtfully, as he drove over another clown's arm; whom had tried to vainly outrun the motorcycle, and was tossed behind Swift's stolen ride. At the bump from running over the living, yet soul-less creature, a grenade slipped from Swift's supply of weaponry and rolled over to the pile of injured clowns.

As it approached each clown held his breath as they watched the green sphere roll closer, all frozen with fear. And pain. After a few tense moments later, they could breathe again as the death instrument didn't go off.

One called to the others jovially. "It's okay! It didn't—"

Swift drove on thoughtfully. Somehow, the mouse had brought himself to ignore the deafening loud and fiery explosion that erupted behind him and painted the sky red.

"Sheesh, this will be tougher than I thought... You think that my consciences would tell me where to go our something..." He said sourly as he recalled his completely misinterpreted encounter with his _conscious,_ Chaos Knux, and continued to dart by more convention signs, somehow not noticing even one.

He drove for another hour until he hit Celadon.

"Okay, _now_ I'm bored... Where's a sign when you need it?" He asked. A random sign smacked him in the face.

"Ouch! What the he- " Swift stopped himself and read the sign. "'You friggin' dumbass, there is a _CLOWN_ convention in town today! Why didn't you read all the other signs?'..." He finished reading, baffled.

Confused, Swift hopped off the stolen motorcycle before it went driving into a building and exploded, the building crumbling down in a mass of smoke after the collision. The Pikachu somehow remained unscathed. "What signs?" He asked and looked behind him. It was revealed to him exactly what the sign meant as he saw as many signs behind him in a trail as there are stars in the sky.

"Ohhhhh... those signs." He murmured sheepishly, scratching his head. Then shrugged. "Annnnyyywaaaay..." Swift said, pulled out his loaded machine gun, and walked calmly into the city.

---

13:34:47

Meanwhile, in the center of Celadon City's very unusual clown convention, Rebel was busy unwillingly making fake clown dummies while Nia kept a watchful eye on the Meowth.

Rebel threw his crafting tools on the ground petulantly. "Your just as evil as Swift, you know that?!" he snapped.

"Sorry, Rebel, but I'm afraid I can't let you leave until you finish these dummies." Nia answered firmly.

"I've already set up about forty of these stupid things all throughout town!" the cat insisted on complaining.

"It's your fault he's going on this shooting rampage anyway!" Nia retorted, her patience ebbing away to annoyance. "Remember the clown-in-the-box, _you_ sent him?"

Rebel grumbled a few things before he picked up his tools and finished another dummy. "I don't get why your making me do this," he spat crossly as he stuffed the dummy. With cheese. He also had ketchup, just t make things convincing. "Swift hasn't even shown up yet. I doubt he even knows about this stupid convention—" Rebel stopped and he and Nia jumped out of surprise after hearing the sound of bullets being fired, people screaming, and Swift's maniacal laughter.

Nia threw a glare at Rebel. "You were saying...?"

"Um... Cheese?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

13:38:011000100...2 The clock exploded.

Meanwhile, not far from Nia and Rebel, Swift was unloading magazine clips by the dozens in military fashion on most of the clown dummies Rebel had set up while laughing maniacally.

"Colorful hair and big shoes, huh??" Swift asked insanely as the clown dolls somehow began to sweat. "Big shoe THIS!!" He said and gunned down the two clown dolls in front of him. Somehow not noticing the gooey cheese and ketchup that replaced blood. The Pikachu's clown shooting frenzy kept him from noticing even ketchup.

Nia and Rebel watched from behind a signpost.

"Yes! He's taking the bait!" Nia cheered silently. "Soon he'll get sick of this and eventually go home!"

"Yeah, and it only took me four hours to make all those..." Rebel grumbled.

"Just be grateful I didn't make _you_ dress up as a clown for this!" Nia snapped and began a low growl as she turned on Rebel.

"Oh yeah? Well I..." He trailed off as Nia pulled up a clown costume in his size.

Rebel decided the best way for him to live longer was to stay quiet, but for some reason, he didn't. "You, are one very _evil_ Eevee... "He stopped after hearing a voice.

"Heeeey ,there, little buddy!" A livingclown this time said to Swift.

"Uh-oh..." Nia said and ducked behind a nearby parked car as a wave foreboding swept through her. Swift glared venomously at the clown. Another reason Nia took cover was because she happened to notice Swift had pulled out a round, green object.

Rebel wondered what had frightened Nia so much, then he saw the sphere too. "Cripes!" He jumped through the car window. Ignoring the breaking glass.

"You're a funny little Pikachu! Now let's turn that frown _upside_ down!" The clown said cheerfully and honked a horn.

Swift bit off a part to the grenade.

"Would you like a pie?" The clown said and pulled out a pie before stupidly slamming it into his own face, as usual. "Oops!"

"That's it you retarded evil bastard!" Swift shouted, tossed the grenade, then he ran.

The clown's expression fell. "Well that wasn't very nice... " He was cut short by the fiery explosion that engulfed him and anything nearby, and explosion was followed by car alarms.

"There goes the neighborhood..." Rebel commented from his car window before Nia ran up to Swift.

"Swift–have you completely lost it?!" she shouted at him. "That clown was_ alive_!"

"No, he wasn't. Clowns are dead inside." Swift responded in a mater-of-fact tone and reloaded his machine gun nonchalantly.

"That may be true, but that doesn't mean kill them physically!" Nia insisted.

"Don't worry! I'm okay!" Swift, Nia and Rebel each heard the clown's voice in the distance. "But... has anyone seen my arm?"

"You won't be for long..." Swift growled threateningly, and at the same time a voice called.

"Hey, what the heck is going on down there?" They heard Valerie's voice shout from above on a shop balcony. The feisty Vulpix was resting on a lawn chair with a sun reflector, and a pair of sunglasses tinted hot-pink around the edges. "I'm trying to get a tan! Turn off the noise, or I will!"

"Valerie?" Nia called in responce while Swift polished his machine gun in preparation to finish the clown he had blown up, and Rebel prepared to watch with a soda and popcorn, using the car hood as a replacement chair.

"Oh, hey, Nia. What's up?" Valerie's mood changed to a more friendly one in recognition of the Eevee's voice. "If that's Psy and Rebel, tell them to keep it down!"

Nia was acutely embarrassed and she looked down at her shuffling paws. "Actually... it's Swift this time..."

Valerie looked confused. "Swift? What the heck is he doing?"

"Killing clowns." Swift answered calmly with a satisfied smile. Seeming totally unfazed by his absolute madness.

"Again?"

"Yeah..." Nia replied. "At least last time there was only a few clowns, but now..." she turned around to see the city littered with happy, insane clowns as they pulled out pies, and smoked marijuana. Seeming depressingly uncaring about what their lives led to, and how society looked down upon them. But they smoked anyway as the cops did nothing to stop them.

"Man," A clown giggled. "We're so stoned... " he stated and took a deep breath of the drug.

"I can fly, man!" Another completely intoxicated clown said before leaping off a dumpster, and falling flat on his face.

The other clown just stared. "Are... are you okay?"

"Hey, boys," Finally, an officer called them out as he strode closer to the two delirious clowns. "We're gonna have to take you downtown..."

"Aww..." Both clowns groaned, the one on the floor looked up sadly.

"...To smoke some more pot!" the cop finished jovially. The clowns cheered before all three of them broke out into... Disco.

The Pokemon group just stared.

"Righhht..." Rebel managed to say, seeming very disturbed. But then stopped as he remembered something and turned around urgently. "Hey you! All of you people in front of your computer screens! Yeah, you! Don't everevereverevereverever do what these clowns, cop, or this mouse here are doing! Not unless you like federal or the maximum security prisons in Arkansas!! DON'T DO IT!!" Rebel shouted frantically. Non other than Chaos Knux came out, confirmed the cats warning with a thumbs-up, paid Rebel five bucks, then walked off the screen. Are you wondering who's narating? Well so am I. Crap, that makes tis first-person...

Valerie had left the store roof-top and joined her friends after Rebel gave his warning to you, America, and was equally disturbed as Nia was with the insane events.

"...Why does this city even waste time with something as stupid as a clown convention?" Valerie spat, eagerly wanting to change the subject from the strange incidents.

Swift finished polishing his machine gun before reloading it and gunned down both of the drug addicted clowns, then fired at the police officers, as another had joined--tempted by disco--though the cops remained standing.

"Ha! Bullet-proof vests!" An officer shouted triumphantly.

Swift fired a second time at each cop except a little lower.

"OH CRAP, MY KNEE!!"

"Well, that was below the waist, so it's not attempted murder..." Rebel reckoned thoughtfully. Ignoring the cops' shouts of pain.

"I don't know why they have this convention, but I know it's fun!" Swift said and hoisted the gun on his back.

"Swift!!" Nia shouted, exasperated.

"What? They'll be okay; that was just to teach them it's wrong to try to bring back the 70s." Swift claimed defensively.

"Has anyone found my arm??" The clown that was blown up earlier asked.

Nia buried a face in a paw with a heavy sigh. "We're _so _sued..."

Swift looked frightened. "Well, uh... screw clowns! They're evil! I'm actually doing the world a _favor_." Swift stated and almost sounded as if he was back to a sane state. Almost.

Valerie realized Swift's madness wasn't quite finished once he balanced himself whileholding a mass, and a lightbulb appeared over her head as an idea hit. "What the? Why does this keep happening?" She growled irritably and threw the lightbulb to the ground where it shattered. "Anyway, Swift?"

"Yes?" The orange pelt Pikachu answered, whom was now counting his grenades.

Valerie managed to ignore the fact Swift was going through different weapons with each passing second and continued. "I saw a bunch of very _evil _looking clowns head that way!" she pointed to a few decrepit building a few buildings down. "They had a, uh... Supreme Leader!" She thought up.

"Supreme leader?!" Swift echoed, sounding shocked. His desire to rid the world of clowns overpowering his common sense. Not that there was much left in this fic...

"Yeah, they were plotting to... to take over the world!"

This stunned Swift and he gasped. "Those fiends! See?" He turned to Nia. "I told you they were evil!"

Valerie winked at Nia.

Nia gulped. She was a terrible liar and wasn't sure if she could say anything that might blow thier chance to get Swift away from the remaining clowns until they could change out of thier costumes. "Umm... go get 'em?"

Swift gave a curt yet serious nod before he salvaged what was left of the motorcycle he had crashed, and hopped on the seat. "I'll be back in time for Christmas!"

"Are you on drugs?" Rebel asked. He seriously couldn't tell. "Me and Psy usually pull off any stuff relatively close to this!"

"Hey, dude!" Psy greeted with cheer, the duck had appeared from nowhere.

"When'd you get here?" Rebel asked, now more confused.

"Well, the president was having some slight issues..." PSy informed, his expression dampening as he shook his head. Then it brightened again. "But don't worry! The guys in the white coats took him away to the happy house!"

Nia and Valerie could only wonder.

Swift ignored both Rebel and Psy and drove off. Rebel stared at the mouse in severe confusion, Valerie and Nia attended to the injured and deny any affiliation with Swift, and Psy played paddle ball all by his lonesome.

Soon after leaving, Swift hopped off the motorcycle after it made some sputtering noises, then exploded again. This time a flaming mass of metal. The Pikachu made the rest of his trip on foot while whistling, 'She'll Be Coming Around The Mountain When She Comes'.

Rebel continued to stare. "...Weirdo."

Then the grenade-subjected clown's arm fell to the floor in front of Rebel in a charred sizzling mass.

Rebel fell backwards and fainted. Psy laughed.

* * *

I know this may seem _way _crazier than the stuff I normally write, but I hope it was funny anyway. Leave a review, and I may finish this thing faster with part three. 


	3. Fall of a Not So Great Empire

Last chapter at last. Yeesh, bout time I got back to this... Took me long enough, eh? And yep, you heard me right, since I can't remember if I mentioned it in last chapter's author's note or not, this is the last chapter of Clown Wars. Will Swift finally make peace with his longtime phobia of clowns? ...Eh. Unlikely.

IMPORTANT: Old readers might need a recap due to the immense gap between updates. Lesse... Swift, after facing an encounter with a clown doll set on him by Rebel, confronts his fear of clowns armed with many different weapons on Clown appreciation day. Raiding Celadon, the Pikachu soon heads out to a worn down and foreboding funhouse Valerie had supposedly made up to take out the clowns once and for all....

That should do it. Okay?... Okay then, good, very good... Read on, people! (Star Wars Theme plays. I get sued.) Disclaimer: I do _not _own _Star Wars_ or _Pokemon_... but some other person does.

* * *

_Chapter 3: Fall of A Not-so-great Empire_

After walking for nearly a mile to get to the lower part of Celadon City since his stolen motorcycle had imploded, Swift's jovial whistle version song of 'She'll Be Comin' Around The Mountain When She Come's' ended as he approached a decrepit, run down mirror house. The sky was gray and dark with clouds, and the sign that was meant to read 'Fun World' was broken and was covered in dust and cob-webs that creaked in the wind. Swift spun around. Celadon was still sunny. "Strange..."

The door to the supposedly enjoyable house was long gone; there was junk all around it, and the place looked downright abandoned, hated, and despised by normal members of society. Then cackling came from inside the building.

From where he had obtained from Mew know's where, Swift spun a keyblade 'round in one paw, which happened to be Oblivion, and examined the house curiously. He tapped the black paint red spot on his cheek with his free paw. "Hmm... typical carnival-style location.... desolate environment that no one really cares about.... well... their selection of real-estate wasn't very good... but this is _definitely _an evil clown base if I ever saw one." Swift decided. And with all of the mouse's sanity temporarily lost, all thoughts of fleeing the deathtrap were so very far away...

"Well," He hoisted the blade onto his shoulder. "Let's do this." As he approached the house, the sound of wings fluttering in the air stopped him, and he saw the Spearow from Viridian forest, holding his signature cam-corder, stop in front of him.

Swift pointed Oblivion towards the bird. "Twenty-five seconds to explain yourself before you die."

"Dude... something tells me this will be epic." said Spearow as he put on a pair of shades. "What would you say if I taped your venture here, and sell it of to mass markets for a quick profit?"

"Eighteen... seventeen.... " Swift looked impatient and the seconds were falling fast.

"Split the profits sixty - forty?"

"Fifty - fifty," Swift haggled.

"Seventy - thirty," Spearow countered.

"Deal."

They shook, and the Spearow flew behind Swift with the cam-corder in a wing. "Cool. Remember to make it look good, and don't die. People don't like it when their heros or antiheros die."

"Gotcha."

Swift finally approached the entrance. He cracked his neck both ways, griped and released his paws, before kicking the air. He ignored the fact there was no door.

He burst in the room. Broken mirrors and some still intact were everywhere in a dusty, creepy room. "Where are you _damn _clowns hiding!? I know you're here!" he shouted.

The cackling from earlier became louder. "Welcome, Swift... we've been expecting you...." A deep voice sounded. Swift's head spun back and forth.

"Clown Number 256734 has reported your approach... after you blew off his arm! We don't take to kindly to that sort of behavior. So the penalty must be..."

Swift awaited the answer tensely; the keyblade gripped tightly and at his side. Spearow zoomed in on Swift for dramatic effect.

"..._**Forty smacks with a paddle!!"**_ The voice thundered suddenly.

Swift raised an imaginary eyebrow.

"...No, not really–it's death. _**Seize him!!**_"

At the command, hundreds among hundreds of clowns fell from the sky and fell through the roof, burst through the unbroken until now mirrors, and dived in through the windows while falling on their faces. All loaded with pies, electric hand shakers, and acid squirting flowers.

"Okay, clown 3435, you're entrance was completely off," Spearow remarked disgustedly. Clown 3435 looked ashamed.

"DiiiiIIIIEEeeeeEEEE!!!" Swift charged the clown horde.

"Okay....and action!!" Spearow charged in mid-air, taping the war from a somewhat safer distance. Even though he was only a couple feet behind Swift and a little way above him.

The first clown prepared to toss his pie at the yellow mouse, but Swift side-stepped the airborne treat and slashed the clown's chest with the keyblade. For one brief spilt-second Swift wondered if this was wrong, but then simply decided it wasn't because he thought so. However, instead of blood, the clown instantly burst into jelly-beans. Expecting this, Swift ignored the dead clown, leapt to avoid a stream of acid from a clown using an acid flower, and brought the keyblade down upon it's back heavily. Again, more jellybeans. Swift grabbed a red one.

Five more clown's approached him, all looking slightly more angry than the last, now brandishing chains.

Swift cut down a few more, these clowns actually bleeding, and they shouted. "Help! Tomato sauce from my arm!! TOMATO SAUCE FROM MY ARM!!!"

When the clowns got numerous, Swift changed tactics, tossed away the keyblade (which was Oblivion— tsk tsk), and tossed a few grenades before quickly hiding under a cardboard box as they went off. (Metal Gear Solid, anyone?)

Once the explosions cleared, Swift slipped from the inexplicably unharmed box and ran off. The electric homicidal mouse proceeded to run off deeper into the house with Spearow behind him as more enraged clowns whom had exchanged electric hand shakers for knives and chainsaws followed in hot pursuit.

Once he stopped, Swift began hurriedly tinkered with a flamethrower next.

"Okay, that was good," Spearow began with all the air of a director whom had just got a showstopping bit of footage. "You definitely looked vicious, and the artificial clown blood looked convincing. The media will love this!" said the bird enthusiastically.

Swift wondered if he should tell Spearow the blood that stained his fur was warm, and smelled very much real, but simply shrugged and proceeded to standing with the flamethrower in his paws.

He waited and once the horde of clowns approached Swift activated the weapon and a massive stream of fire filled the halls, stopping the horde of clowns in their tracks. After it had stopped, the clowns ran about frantically in all directions; rear-ends on fire, of course.

Swift switched the flamethrower for a missile launcher next, acquired from Mew know's where along with all the weapons before it, and ran for the stairs that were further in the room he had entered. He briefly wondered why a fun house contained so many rooms and strangely resembled the interior of an abandoned evil mansion, but simply declared it as extreme renovation from an Extreme Make-over home addition gone inexplicably wrong.

As he approached the staircase, Swift leapt upon the rails and began grinding down a set on his feet as he had done in so many Sonic gamecube games before this. Clowns were on the stairs as well, so he launched missiles at them while grinding, bombing the clowns as he passed by and turned from time to time to furiously blast at all who dared stay within a fifty-foot radius on the floor below.

He leapt off the railing at the end of the stairs, and suddenly all was quiet. Glancing around, Swift saw noting but dark, dust, cobwebs, and clown corpses scattered among the ground.

Spearow glanced around as well, taping the environment. Then he spotted something Swift didn't.

"Mouse, lookie there," He pointed with a wing. Looking in that direction, they Swift saw a massive bright red door that was at the end of the room.

"Hmm.... strange, that wasn't there before..." Swift commented, shrugged, then ran over to it.

He knocked gently.

"Yes, yes, come in."

Swift nodded and proceeded to blast down the door with his bazooka; followed by callously tossing aside his missile launcher like yesterdays stale, moldy, and burnt popcorn.

After the dust cleared, he and Spearow dashed into the room. A chandelier hung from the ceiling and a red carpet ran through the huge, bright room and up a few stairs to what looked like a throne. The walls were covered in gold wallpaper with elegant pictures hanging from them, and there were two fountains at both sides of the room. A soft opera song played from some unidentifiable place.

Swift ran inside the room, then stopped.

Slow, sarcastic applauding came from the throne chair at the back of the room.

A Darth Vader styled clown, though a little shorter and fatter than previous clowns, and with brown paws— and a long thunderbolt styled, whip-like tail—stood at the pinnacle before he began walking down the stairs slowly. Candles atop of highly elevated platforms to their sides ignited as the figure passed them. Spearow taped Swift and the clown with indecent interest.

"Well done, Swift... " the clown congratulated. "You've invaded and destroyed most of my empire... As expected..." He stopped many feet away from the Pikachu.

"Who are you?" Swift asked, confused. He thought, as he asked this, _I should order a pizza later..._

"I am the Clown Emperor. King of all pie-faced imbeciles; leader of mediocre entertainment specialists; ruler of all things not-so-funny and just plain stupid..."

"Ruler of blowhard speeches, perhaps?" Spearow commented, half-disgusted, half-impatient.

"Silence, chicken!"

"Pff! Oh, yeah, sure..._chicken..._" Spearow nodded sarcastically, and folded his wings. Still somehow remaining in mid-air.

The clown ignored him. "I was indeed the one whom had greeted you from when you first entered my dominion," The clown explained dramatically. "For we were destined to meet... face to face, once again..."

"I've never seen you before in my life!" Swift stated in annoyance.

"Oh, really...?" the clown inquired. "Think back. We met when you were still a Pichu..."

Swift's eyes went wide. "No... it can't be...! You mean you're the—"

"Precisely! I am the very same clown from your fourth birthday party!" The voice bellowed loudly with triumph in his voice.

Swift stood rigid with utter fear and shock, and couldn't take his widened eyes off the figure.

The clown emperor pulled out a small device which was the handle to a red lightsaber and the glowing beam shot up, humming. "Who has the force now, eh...?" He tossed one over to Swift, which the handle simply hit him on the head. The mouse hardly flinched.

"Come, we shall do battle. Prepare yourself!" The clown began slowly walking forward with the lightsaber in hand.

Swift was still frozen. After a moment of tense filming, Spearow hastily said, "Whoa, hey... Mouse? Remember that thing about people not liking their antihero dying? Snap out of it...!!"

No use. Darthclown drew closer.

"Uh...hmm... Oh! Look! Ketchup!!" Spearow exclaimed suddenly as soon as the idea hit, he remember Swift coming to strangle him early mornings in Viridian Forest with a bottle of it in his paws.

Swift finally snapped back to reality. Glancing around frantically, he saw the lightsaber on the ground in front of him, but no ketchup. Growling, he grabbed it before activating the weapon in a sudden blue beam of light, also humming. "Wrong, non-funny-one. It is _I _who has the force."

With a sudden shout, the clown emperor charged forward and swung his saber down. Swift blocked quickly as the classic loud buzzing and sparks with each clash erupted. Swift quickly spun around, and made a swing from his left, but the emperor easily blocked it. Swift ducked a counter swing, and rolled a short way off, before jumping and striking the clown's saber as his opponent lifted it just in time.

Spearow watched with the camera rolling and chowing down on some popcorn. Then he realized the horror of that moment. "Hey... no soda!"

3 Hours later...

Swift and the Clown Emperor both panted heavily, Swift leaning against his lightsaber which was planted in the ground, and the clown emperor sagged against a wall. Spearow had fallen asleep, his head in the popcorn bag. "No... don't take my blanky...no, not the whip, mommy..."

"There has to be a better way to do this..." Swift remarked as he attempted to catch his breath, wondering where his missile rocket had vanished to.

The emperor panted as well. "Yes, where _is _your missile launcher...? I need to use it."

"What?" Swift said in clear shock. Some of it was at his mind being read, some of it. "_I _need to use it first! I have to kill you!"

"Fine." The Clown emperor rubbed his mask in the fashion of rubbing off sweat. "Enough of this silly nonsense!" He kicked a Barbie doll head over at Swift, and it silly-ish-ly, hit the mouse's head and he, with an over dramatic cry of anguish, fell over in a nonsense-ish way.

Picking up his light saber, the clown emperor rushed over in a hurry, panting as jogged.

Swift groaned, but before he could get up, the red lightsaber buzzed less than an inch away from his face.

"Well, Swift, it seems I win... any last words?" The clown emperor offered, though his tone was emotionless.

"Well, yeah, sort of... could you get the rest of that barbie doll, over there?" the mouse asked, pointing.

"Hmm? Oh... well, I guess so..." The clown emperor turned and left over towards the doll. Swift reached into his pack in a hurry.

"This one?" The emperor picked up the body to the doll head he had kicked.

"Yeah, that's the one. Just toss it over."

He tossed the doll over and Swift caught it.

"Hmm... 2004 edition.... Miami, Florida model–oh, that's rare..." The mouse mused thoughtfully.

"Yeah, a little girl bought it over once on a visit here. And seeing as how she dropped it and her parents didn't want it back, I planned on selling it, but I never got around to it."

"Oh, well that's an interesting story... yeah... really—"

Swift shot the clown emperor's leg with a rifle.

"OW–MY TIBIA!!" He fell over.

Swift grabbed his lightsaber and rushed over. He held it to the emperor's face, making sure to heavily place a foot on his stomach.

"Picking up where we left off: No, it looks like I win." Swift gloated, smirking. "Any last words? And don't try to pull any of the crap I just pulled, I'll see it coming."

"Damn.... Well then... No, not really..."

"Okay... then–" Swift raised the lightsaber.

"Wait, Swift! Before you kill me... " The emperor began, his voice growing uncertain. "There's something you should know..."

"I don't want to learn anything from you!" Swift spat spitefully, his voice growing full of emotion. "You drove away my father!!"

"No, Swift... " He pulled off his Darth Vader helmet. Revealing the face of a Raichu. "I _am _your father."

At first he couldn't believe it. Though staring, Swift soon froze with overwhelming shock. His lip quivered with disbelief. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—Wait, seriously?"

"Yes."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—you're not kidding?"

"No."

"So you're not–?"

"No, I am."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Okay, stop that."

"Right."

Swift looked utterly bewildered and his face was wrought with shock and indigestion. "But... how? Mom says you disappeared after my birthday... I always assumed the clowns drove you away in shame and dishonor, and with a blowtorch....I was young, after all." he added and the questioning look his father gave him.

The Raichu got to his feet, since Swift seemed to have lost the motivation to slice his head and mask off. "Well, Swift... this may shock and horrify you, but my occupation has always been clown entertainment."

"Great."

The Raichu continued, "You see, before I left, I always used to rehearse acts and lines in front of you and your mother. She always said for me to find a real job and made me sleep on the couch, and you always cried..." he chuckled reminiscently. "Hence your phobia of clowns, son."

Swift did nothing but glare.

"So then, on the day of your forth birthday, I wanted nothing more but to make that day on you would always remember...."

"You kinda did."

"Well, yeah... but not like that. After I preformed a CPR act with a python, it was there your friends ran away and you cried so much you passed out..."

Swift stared blandly. An eye twitched.

"After that I left home, and never came back." the Raichu remembered, his paw tapping his cheek. "I've regretted it ever since. So, I'm sorry, son. Yes, the mascara was too much for one so young..." he seemed to have forgotten he had appeared to kiss a killer snake before his four year old son.

And all of Swift's fur turned bright red. "You.... YOU...!!! "

"...Uh-oh."

"YOU MEAN ALL THIS TIME, WHENEVER I SO MUCH AS _HEAR _THE WORD 'CLOWN', I FREEZE UP OR HAVE AN ACCIDENT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU?!?!?"

His dad chuckled. "Heh heh heh... yeah... well since you know I'm alive... from now on you can just call me Pops!"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!" Swift shouted ever furiously, his fur still burning. "AND—AND YOU WALKED OUT ON US!"

"No I didn't, I ran."

"_**SO WHAT?!?!?!**_"

"Hmm. You always did have a bad temper. The nastiest toddler if I ever saw one..."

"THAT DOES IT!! I'LL.... I'LL...!!" But suddenly feeling exhausted, what Swift would do we will never know. The Pikachu sighed, dropped the lightsaber, and threw the rifle and his other weapons, across the room. "Can't believe I used those... filthy things..." He glared at his father one last time with sheer despise, before turning around and walking off. "I'm going home and fixing my television so I can sit in front of it and drown my depression in ice cream and pizza!" he called over his shoulder.

"See ya later, son!" His Raichu father waved joyously. "Me and your Ma'll see you again on Christmas!"

Mumbling angry curses and swearwords to himself as he stomped on, an alerted Spearow flew in front of him, whom had only just awoke from his nap. "What happened?" he looked over at Swift's Father, who was smiling blissfully, and just looked downright confused. "Did I _miss _something?"

Swift glared venom at Spearow, then fried the cam-corder with a thunderbolt.

"Hey!! We had a deal!"

"We did, before I became pissed off enough to break it." Swift stomped on angrily without waiting for a response and left towards the exit then home.

"...Philistine!" Spearow shouted after him with hostility.

Meanwhile, Swift's Father folded his arms and watched his son leave with a fulfilled smile on his face. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a switch. "Well, since I don't have to convince him to love me by force, I guess I didn't need this after all." he tossed the device over his shoulder and the ground flipped the switch on contact.

"Well, you've gone and patched things up with your long lost son... not a bad way to start the weekend, Archy, not a bad way..." With that, he left the other way, hit a different switch, and the wall parted, revealing a very easy two minute route to Celadon. Too bad he didn't tell this to Swift who took the long way home on another stolen dirt bike.

Meanwhile, the first switch activated...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Thanks for your help, Val." Said Nia as she and the Vulpix were pushing a large box through Viridian Forest. "This new television set... is heavy..." Valerie was atop of the box, reading her newly bought romance novel.

"No problem..." she replied distantly.

"You know, I could swear that delivery truck breaking down just outside of the forest was a hoax... I mean, it was a pretty huge coincidence that just so happened _and _the driver's back went out at the same time..."

"No problem..."

But before Nia could question Valerie's choice of words, she was startled by a loud sound of something approaching. A few meters ahead of them, a huge missile was coming down towards her and Swift's house. Bright red lettering read as followed was written on it: **Happy Clown Appreciation Day!**

On Impact a loud explosion sounded and blew the back trees surrounding were the house had once been.

After the explosion calmed, nothing but charred ashes and splintered wood from the house remained. A smoky furred Nia blinked.

"Erm... Valerie? Mind if we leave this at your house...? For a few months..."

"No problem..." replied an equally smoky Valerie, just as distantly and book wrapped as before the explosion.

Just then, Rebel and Psy ran into the destroyed area of the forest. They were carrying the bandaged figure of the clown from Celadon who's arm was blown off by a grenade, courtesy of Swift. "This guy said he'd pay us 20 bucks to take him to the hospital!" Psy announced happily.

Rebel however glanced around the destruction and whistled lowly. Then he looked annoyed. "Hey... was there a party we weren't invited to here?"

"No, the clowns blew up our house." Ni answered, very much annoyed.

"That's my brethren! Sweet justice!" the clown Psy and Rebel carried cheered. Psy and Rebel immediately dropped him unceremoniously on his side with no arm.

"OYYYAAAHHHHGHHHHH!!!!!!!""

Ignoring him, Psy began thinking of an idea and Rebel took a 50 dollar bill from the clowns wallet. The Psyduck pulled out two identical hula skirts. "In that case—"

"Whatever you're thinking, no." Nia cut across Psy.

Psy's head hung low and he dragged the hula outfits as he left slowly.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cockamamie nonsense, I know, but that ends the Clown Wars chapter trilogy. Leave your comments in a review, and I'll update something else some time or other. Hope you enjoyed the first ever _**completed**_ PV series fanfic!

(Star Wars Theme song plays. I get sued again...)


End file.
